I'm baaaaack

I've been back for a week and as usual I have hit the year skidding. Returned to work and have worked overtime every day to ensure a smooth transition once I leave the company. I have also been on project SOCIALISE and have been seeing as many people as possible before I leave. The fact that I'm moving to another city feels very disconnected from my reality, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I won't be living in Johannesburg anymore. I got quite sad on Monday and kept thinking about the fact that I will have to say good-bye. I know I'll be back for visits, in fact I have to know I'll be back for visits as this helps with saying good-bye. (I have already booked a ticket for February.) However it still will not be the same as seeing my friends on a regular basis. I am going to miss them so much and I have had such fun times with them over the past week that it makes it even harder to say good-bye.

The disconnect comes in because I am really looking forward to leaving my job, starting my new adventure in Cape Town and beginning a job that really gets me excited. It's like I'm sad and excited at the same time. I am excited to find a great flat for MM and I. I am excited to show him around and to rediscover the city with him. I am excited to do all things we've wanted to do and for him to experience the thrill of building a new base. I'm excited to have him as my partner and for us to experience all this together. Of course, I'm a bit nervous but the thrill and excitement by FAR outweighs the fear. For a while I was only focused on the fear and the nerves, but now the excitement seems to overshadow all this.

To say that my head is a swirl is an understatement, I constantly feel like I need to whip out a notebook and create a list. Lists give my life order and ground me when I spin off in highs and panics. BUT this is consistent with my usual start-of-the-year feelings. I always think of all the things I want to achieve this year. How my life is going to be different. How I'm going to spend less, save more, eat healthier, drink less, exercise more, be kinder, curse less... you know all those optimistic promises you make yourself. But add to that endless thoughts about moving, wrapping up my life here and beginning life there. I'm everywhere I tell you.

Resolutions - I haven't thought about them, but some kind of fitness plan should come into effect because all horoscopes mention that Taureans are going to have a chunky year. Awesome.

Goals - a few.. I'll mention later.

Calming the madness in my head - maybe over the next few blog posts.

So let me start with a mini recap of my incredible holiday. Rio and Buenos Aires have to be two of the most incredible and dynamic cities I have ever visited. I was in awe of it all and not even a bout of food poisoning could ruin the holiday. Blue and I really bonded, we chatted for hours, easily booked our tours and had minor frustrations with each other due to exterior reasons such as sleep deprivation, inability to communicate with waiters or hunger.

Let me give you a few thoughts on each city:

Rio

NO ENGLISH! Seriously if you thought you could get by without knowing basics, you can't. Blue and I had to do a charades, feeble attempts at speaking Portuguese and at times we went hungry because we just could not communicate. Even our attempts at Portuguese were dismal because our English accent made us difficult to understand.

It's an interesting combination of high rise and built up and rural. The tropical climate really reminded me of Durban and the beautiful vintage homes and favelas (more PC term is now: communities) reminded me of South Africa.

It really is beautiful and the vegetation and topography is like something I've never seen. So lush and tropical with mountains everywhere. When I was on top of Sugar Loaf Mountain, I looked down and expected to see sea monsters rising from the waters. It felt very mystical and fantasy-filled at times.

Highlights included Coroavardo, Sugar Loaf, Ilhe Grande and tropical forests.

The beaches are beautiful and it is bliss swimming there. For the first time in my life, I had wrinkled fingers and toes from swimming in the sea for hours.

ANYTHING goes when it comes to beach attire that you become grateful that tanning topless is illegal because madness would otherwise ensue. Brazilian bikinis bottoms start halfway on the butt cheeks and then move inwards. The half-butt bikini bottoms are considered conservative and majority of the time the bikini tops just cover the nipples. It does not matter what size you are, if you are on the beach you don a bikini or a speedo. Well to be honest you don a bikini or speedo on the beach, on the street, in the supermarket... heck they even wear them on the subway!

Added to the above point, if you have any kind of body insecurity I suggest you hang out on Copacabana or Ipanema beach. I saw a woman weighing around 100 kg in the a bikini tinier than my own, and she looked great because you could see she felt great. They carry themselves with such confidence that I became enthralled. You really do drop your inhibitions and just have fun.

Rio is a stinky city. Phew did I smell some aromas that were enough to induce vomit - anything from rancid fish to garbage and sewerage. Stinky so pack your tough stomach.

It's not a place for vegans. Their food revolves around two main foods - meat and cheese. It made it a bit tricky to eat there after my bout of food poisoning. Food is reasonably priced and the portions are very generous so you can always share, but there is a lot of meat and cheese. They also have a delicacy which is basically flour fried in garlic butter... so you can see their food is rich.

Guarana, one of their local energy drinks and it is YUM!

Cantao and Colcci are incredible brands.

I don't think I could've been happier than when Blue and I did the Ilhe Grande tour. A day out at sea island hopping and floating in the sea. It truly was my idea of paradise.

Buenos Aires

It's the kind of city you visit and feel like you could live there. It is very cosmopolitan and you can see the melting pot of European culture and influence in the city centre alone.

I felt really safe in Buenos Aires. Well we were in a great neighbourhood, Palermo Viejo which is considered the Soho of Buenos Aires. There were loads of shops and cafes and people so Blue and I happily strolled about until 10pm.

The bus system in Rio is WAY better than the bus system in Buenos Aires. We were short on change and the ticket machine did not accept notes so Blue had to beg for 25c... we were in fits of laughter.

Blue and my general plan when we boarded buses was to let the entire bus know where we were headed so that they could help us tell the driver to stop.

The shopping was way better in Argentina than Brazil largely because it was more affordable.

Eva Peron was an incredible woman.

The tango shows were worth any penny but I couldn't help thinking that if MM was with me he'd probably watch them and say, "But babe we could do that." Gotta love his confidence.

It's scary watching someone you love suffer and you are unable to help them. And then trying to communicate with a Spanish-only doctor is interesting. Blue picked up a parasite and was dreadfully ill. It scared me.

I really loved our hotel.

A lot more people can speak English in Buenos Aires.

I'm sure more thoughts will enter my mind.

Coming to the end

I am coming to the end literally and metaphorically. The hard work and long hours of the last two weeks have paid off. We've finished our magazines early today, I have prepped for next month's magazines and we can leave early today and don't have to come in tomorrow. It's Christmas (holidays) come early! I'm thrilled.

So before I lounge into the laziness of holidays and not think too much about my anxiety of moving and starting my new job I'll do a mini review of the year that was... well for me anyway.

The truth is that this has been a tough year professionally. I have pushed myself further, battled some big office politics and come out alive. Emotionally I have felt strong, while I have had a few hiccups and had to face certain aspects of myself, I have emerged feeling more secure. I also feel very secure in my relationship and a number of my friendships. There'll always be parts of me that I keep working on, in fact I think the fact that I am always considering how I can better myself makes me special.

There have been a lot of wonderful happenings this year and I tend to get nervous when things go so right that they may start going wrong. I need to work on the fact that I deserve all these wonderful things and people in my life and not question them.

So for now I'll revert back to this post... let's do a little summary of some of these goals.

I kept it tight, just five... although I did have others flitting in and out my head.

1. I really, really really have to try to be punctual. It started yesterday when I was 2 minutes early for my Pilates class. I’m continuously tardy and this is something I would like to change – it all comes down to time management. This something I definitely did improve on. Towards the end of the year it all went a bit tits up with my intense deadlines but on a whole I have pleasantly surprised myself and others with my attempts to improve my timeliness.

2. I have to learn to say no without going into complete decline. This was actually motivated by one of my fabulous friends, she thinks I’m too accommodating and need to be selfish. She thinks I need to learn it’s okay to say no. I always feel like I’m disappointing people when I say no (my absolute worst is disappointing people). I have to learn that I really can’t please everyone.

This has been a tricky one and while I haven't totally conquered it, I do think I've gotten better at realising what I can and can't do. I am better and realising when I'm taking too much on and learning to say no but this is not to say that I didn't wear myself a bit thin at times - I am working on it indeed and I am learning this skill!

3. I need to stop questioning myself… as the You tells me, I need to banish the shy girl because ultimately shyness leads to self-doubt for me.

This is also something I'm working on and it has been tricky, especially since I have hit slumps where I don't think I'm good enough. (Refer back to my terror and anxiety surrounding my new job.) I think for now I just need some time out. I need to start the new year remembering that I wouldn't get where I am in my job if I didn't know a thing or two. And I need to remember that people aren't friends with your out of obligation or pity, their time is too precious so they are friends with me because they genuinely like me and my company!

4. I need to make things happen career wise. I need to think about this freelance business. Ultimately, my freelance work challenges me the most and makes me happy. Hence me considering going at it full-time. At present I only have bits of work, I need to have more work but it is definitely something to consider.

A lot has happened for me career wise and I'm looking up for the new year. I'm excited for the challenge of moving city, making new contacts and maintaining all my established my present contacts and just taking my career to new levels.

5. I want to prioritise the important people. I tend to let the not-so-importants monopolise my headspace. What rubbish! I need to prioritise the importants.

I do think I've done this. I have done a lot of (painful) letting go and I'm learning to work away from poisonous relationships. I have been hurt this year but I have learnt and I am still learning. I have learnt that I let my friends dominate me and I am often friends with very dominating and volatile people. At times this can be great, such as Cooks who pushes and challenges me but not to hurt me and is sure I know that she adores me. I need to keep focusing on the positive.

Rights so I have no perils of wisdom or great chirps about the year. It was hard, it was draining but it was exciting and the challenges were quite astounding. I got to write about an industry I adore. I got to increase my publishing experience to a level that I got an amazing opportunity. I travelled inside and outside South Africa.

And now, I'm looking forward to an awesome holiday in Cape Town and South America and I'm not thinking about how much I'll miss MM. I'll return bronzed, with a suitcase brimming with great buys, stories, photos and hopefully some wisdom.

Have a good one and above all, make sure it's fun!

Scraping through

I have all of no concentration and find myself hissing at those that have gone on holiday as I only go on holiday on 22 December. I have very thin patience and am trying my best to keep quiet so that I don't snap at people. I usually do my best to be nurturing and understanding in the work environment, but right now I have no tolerance of people who are precious about their writing and ask me questions they should know the answers to... not fair I know and to tell you the truth I don't feel like myself so that is why I think it is better that I shut my mouth.

I am so excited for the festive season and I am feeling really loved up and thrilled about MM and my adventure to Cape Town next year. However, I am also stressed about it all and am feeling a bit overwhelmed. So I am reverting to my usual method of keeping my cool - I'm making to do lists.

I mean at a basic level I have to:

Sign off February 2010 issues.

Prep March 2010 issues as I will be in South America when production begins.

Sign off March 2010 issues.

Prep April 2010 issues so I don't feel like I have left them in the lurch (although there is one colleague who loves to bad-mouth me and will possibly tell them I have done a half-assed attempt - grrrr - but I need to remember that what other people say about me is none of my business!)

I have to find a new flat.

I have to prep where I'm going to stay when I first move down.

I have to co-ordinate the packing up of our home.

I have to organise my driving down... am I going to drive down or will I train my car down?

Decisions, decisions. I wish I could switch it all off. But I can't, the list is key to some sanity. And at the risk of sounding pathetic: as excited as I am for holiday in Cape Town and South America, I feel sick about being apart from MM for three weeks.

How are you all coping with your final days of work?

Benny was here

I'm just not in the mood to work, with all the talk of fun, holidays and shopping I'm struggling to keep focused in the office, and then of course there is the matter of planning a move to another city - wow!

So let's just choose a few random points that are swirling around in my head.

My house has been decorated for Christmas since mid-November. We had a girls' Christmas party at me and the decorations have stayed up since. However, MM suprised me with a bigger tree and now I can't wait to buy decorations and make my flat even more kitsch.

I get sad when I think about moving out of our flat. We have such a great life and I love our little space. We'll never sell the flat as it is prime location but will probably buy a house next, so this might mean we won't live in the flat again.

I'm actually really enjoying Fringe, which is weird because it is SO not a show I'd usually enjoy.

I am in a mood to buy buy buy and I really have to save every penny for South America. It helps that Being Brazen is having such wonderful giveaways. I go onto the prize giver's website and fanticise about buying all the beautiful wares.

While I have accepted that we only close on 22 December I hate all people who finish earlier (not really). I usually prefer to work until Christmas and have more leave in January but this year I'm feeling so flat, I can't fathom working until 22 December.

My homemade choc-chip cookies make me happy. They're very delicious - big chunks of chocolate and Brazilian nuts.

I'm a bit stressed about my medical bills - it's going to take a while to pay them all off.

I actually think Twitter is lots of fun. At this time of the year I am having lots of chuckles with people in my industry. It's largely a networking tool for me, but I must say it's a casual environment for journos to converse - I likey!

Self-titled experts amuse me.

People thinking that I have such a charmed life frustrate me. They have no clue what I've been through.

And people who think I've easily fallen into media frustrate me more - it's been a hard slog and there's still plenty to learn.

Oh and I don't understand people who think because I'm engaged my life is now sorted. First of all, since when does your relationship status reflect who you are and secondly, a relationship is hard work.

I want a garden... it's taken a while for this to sink in but I really want a garden.

There are so many things I want, I'm trying to focus on being happy with what I have.

People can be weird about engagement rings.

Next year will be tight, I've gotten used to spending and will have to reign myself in as I will be paying rent!

I'm breaking out skin wise and it isn't bothering me because at least it's not red and inflamed.

I am so over the moon that I don't need to go to the dentist until June next year.

An interesting question...

I was browsing through Glamour magazine last night and I read an article about fuller figures... well supposedly fuller figures because the ladies in the article looked pretty normal to me.

The interesting part was that at the end of the article they challenged you to complete the sentence:

MY BODY IS ...

The catch is that you're not allowed to say anything negative.

So I'm going to give this a try:

My body is my greatest companion. Through all the challenges, opportunities and fun that life presents my body is my greatest companion, it steps up to every challenge and I love the feel of putting my body to work. Whether it is a 10km run/walk, a marathon dancing session, lifting/running or playing with my nieces and nephews, carrying boxes when I've moved around the country or lying naked in bed with my fiance. Yes, my body is my greatest companion and when I look at the mirror I like what I see because so far my body hasn't let me down!

Would you be hurt?

Would you be hurt if your father offered you something, only to take it back and rather give it to your other siblings?

Sounds silly, almost childish doesn't it?

Particularly when I tell you that what he offered and took away were tickets to the World Cup Soccer next year.

However, it represents something so much more and cuts me so much deeper. It also symbolises one of the things I'm dreading about returning to Cape Town. My family dynamics.

My whole life I've struggled with feelings of inadequacy, this was perpetuated by negative friendships and the dynamics of my family life. Being the youngest of five you'd think I really had it made but quite honestly I've had my challenges. As a result, I'm generally happy to be the wallflower of my family. It's been helpful living away from home for so long, you don' t really expect much from your family and kind of anticipate that things get forgotten because you're not really around - out of sight, out of mind and all of that. However, when you get omitted and left out when you're in the same city as your family, then it just gets hurtful.

Last night I was so hurt by how easily my father just flung me aside that I struggled to sleep. I read for a bit and then just lay and let my mind run. The pain of our strained relationship came flooding forward. I thought of all the ways he'd hurt me in the past and I couldn't stop crying. MM didn't really know what to do or say, he doesn't know my father that well and being the fair person that he is, he didn't want to speak badly of him to make me feel better. I probably would've got upset if he'd said anything negative because as much as he hurts me, I still adore him.

I then realised that I'm really too old (and relatively stable) for daddy issues and I really need to let it go. I know I don't need my father's approval, I need to remember that I'm great in my own sense. I've spent enough therapy sessions learning to accept myself and see that I'm great. I need to also realise that I'm creating my own family and it starts with MM. It's tough accepting the change in your relationship with your parents and that perhaps they can't solve everything and make you feel better as they did when you're a child. It's also tough accepting that they're just people. My sister reminded me once that if my parents knew the negative and lasting impact that their words and actions would have on us they would definitely reconsider them.

The truth is, I don't get him and I don't understand how he can hurt me so easily. My siblings have all had their battles so maybe over time my parents have just kind of figured out what we can and can't handle. My friend's mom once looked at me and said that she can see I'm strong, she told me that it's possible I feel I get a tough time because my parents see my strength and believe that I can handle it. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

Granted I was emotional yesterday after a very difficult and draining week, and after hosting a Christmas party at an orphanage, but this does not take away from what I was feeling. My throat was sore this morning and I've been told this often symbolises words not spoken and stifled feelings. I knew I had to say something. As I was wondering what I would say, my father phoned me back and I told him that I felt excluded and hurt. He didn't really know what to say. I guess there isn't really anything he can do or say and perhaps it us unfair of me to tell him but by holding it back I felt like I was poisoning myself.

The worst part is that although I know I need to prevent myself from getting into a negative space with him. It hurts keeping him at arm's length because he's been so sick and I don't want to upset him, I just want to love him.

I suppose I'm just scared to put myself out there again and risk getting hurt again. I feel like I need to pick up when I feel myself returning to that insecure little teenager and just remove myself from the situation.

So let's try to not let this sour my week, let me think about what's making me happy right now?

MM's excitement for our move. While I constantly stress about all the different challenges he's just excited for the move by looking at flats and telling me where we should go on weekends and what he wants to see.

In two weeks I'll be on leave... that's going to be sweet - three and half weeks of bliss.

I baked choc-chip cookies yesterday.

MM and I got a bigger Christmas tree and I've got some great ideas to go with his Christmas gift.

My friend had such a positive dream about the move and it really made me feel more secure about my relationship with friends.

I had a great weekend which included, THE KILLERS (awesome, awesome, awesome), a lazy and boozy lunch, a lovely dinner and a Christmas party at an orphanage (which although stressful was an amazing success)!

I booked a ticket for a friend's bachelorette party in Feb!

The post where I offer some explanations...

Okay so as some of you have seen there have been mutterings about my future on this blog and on twitter. There is so much to discuss but right down I'm going to lay it all out so you guys at least know what is happening...

MM and I are moving back to Cape Town.

Okay breathe.

HOW HUGE IS THAT?

I'm excited, nervous, happy and terrified...well at the moment I am feeling slightly blue but that's because there are A LOT of emotions running high and MM and I are having power arguments which are unrelated to the move... however, I think the emotions are linked to the move.

Shall we back track a bit?

Okay let me explain:
MM and I have been discussing moving to Cape Town for a while but it was tricky because the right opportunity had to come up. We thought the right opportunity came up in August when I went for several interviews with Marie Claire - did I tell you guys about that? It was a killer position and I got down to the final three but was knocked out in the final round. I was bleak but took it on the chin and thought the right opportunity would present itself.

I saw a vacancy for a very cool position within the company that has bought my company over. I chatted to MM about it and he said I should go for it. It all went very quickly from there - in the same day I moved office and went for a job interview. Two interviews and two tests down, some salary negotiation and a bit of terms and conditions discussing I got a job offer.

The predicament came in because I had given my CEO a proposal and I hadn't heard anything back from him. The same day I got the job offer I also got an e-mail from him saying he is reviewing my proposal. OH CRAP! I didn't know what I was going to do as both offered very exciting opportunities. MM and I chatted it out some more and I made an appointment to chat to my CEO. Well, he was thrilled about the job offer and thought I should go for it. As much as he liked my proposal he said he couldn't give me any guarantees that it would happen so he suggested I go for the job. He knows how unhappy I've been and he said this would be the platform I need. On top of that, he said that should things seem like they can go forward with my proposal he'll bring me on board as a consultant. So all in all I had the go ahead from him.

When this all started to come together it was very exciting and scary at the same time. You know the whole, be careful of what you want because you might just get it. MM and I discussed it and decided we should do this. There are so many reasons we’re deciding to jump on this adventure. Some of the reasons include: I’ve lived away from home for nearly six years and I am missing my family, this has been exacerbated by the fact that my dad’s health has taken a knock. MM has also never lived away from home and both of us think it’s a good move to see how it goes for him and of course, we need to see if Cape Town is an option in our future and we’ll only know by giving it a chance.

It was with a heavy heart that I came to this decision as I love Johannesburg and the best people live here. It will be a tough move and I know MM’s family are going to take it quite hard – they don’t know yet. So we’re up against challenges but at the same time, it is just a city away and not a different country and I think it could be very exciting. Work-wise it is thrilling. My job is such a great opportunity (my official title is Group Digital Editor) and MM loves his job and would prefer not to change jobs so the fact that he can relocate in his current position is a win.

Added to this, we have the excitement of discovering and rediscovering a city. I’m very much in the space of processing everything and considering all the variables in this move. It helps knowing that my family is so unbelievably excited to see us return. Added to this, it helps having the support of the people that I love and care for most in Johannesburg.

There will be future posts about my feelings surrounding my move. For now I know I will miss my friends so much that my heart actually aches. I spoke to my dad, and he really hit the nail on the head and he said that its so tough because as happy as I am to return to my family, it’s heartbreaking to say so-long to my Jo'burg family. However, we will visit frequently to see MM's family and our friends. I need to know I'll visit regularly or else I'll get too upset.

It is tough with everything changing, especially since everything is nice the way it is but change can also be exciting and fun, in fact change has been the one constant in my life! So I guess it is onward and upward... hang on because I think there will be plenty of stories on this adventure!